Bionda Writes Your Office E-mails

From: Channel 8 Promotions and Programming Coordinator
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 11:07:00 -0700
To: Bionda
Conversation: see crazy email
Subject: How do you even respond to this?!

___________________________________
original message:

Dear channel 8,

I would like to ask you why the commercials on channel 8 are so loud? I have to mute them or turn the volume down and then back up when the program I am watching returns. This is really annoying and I'm sure other people are bothered by it. I would also like to know why Poway is never mentioned on your weather report. You never have Poway on your weather map with all the other northern inland cities. Is there a reason for this or just an oversite?

I really enjoy channel 8 and watch a lot of programs aired on this channel.

Thanks for the opportunity to voice my opinions.

Regards,
Wehnnetta Williams

_____________________________________
Bionda responds:

Dear Wehnnetta (if that is your real name),

The commercials we air on our station, as with every non-cable station, are always aired louder than our regularly scheduled programming for a few very important reasons that I will outline for you here:

1) Advertisers pay television stations truckloads of money to get their products noticed by you, “the viewer.”

2) You, “the viewer”, generally do not stay glued to your television set during commercial breaks.*

*If you are even one of the few members of society still living without TiVo or a DVR.**

**Modern technology which allows you, “the impatient viewer,” to fast-forward through entire commercial breaks--every show, every time.

3) In order to reach you, “the viewer”, in the bathroom, in front of the microwave, with your head in the refrigerator, or wherever else it is you tend to go during commercial breaks, advertisers recognize the need to blast their “product advantages” at volumes of at least 1000 decibels.

This, Wehnnetta, is not an oversight (unlike your spelling errors). This is a planned attack on you, the American consumer. Advertisers are happy when you learn about the advantages of their product. Happy advertisers pay television stations (as afore mentioned) truckloads of money for this opportunity. In each of those truckloads lies my paycheck. The check which, crazily enough, also pays my monthly cable and DVR bill.

Please stay tuned for our regularly scheduled programming.

Sincerely,

Your Channel 8 Programming Coordinator

PS—People want to live in Poway as much as they want to live in a cave. Which is apparently where you have been residing for quite some time.

Boardgame nightmares

I woke up in a sweaty sheet-tangled mess the other night. I was running through the Enchanted Forest, flipping over plastic trees but never remembering the treasures I had discovered. I opened the windows, turned on the fan, and drifted back to a peaceful sleep where trees stayed rooted in the ground and I wasn't racing toward a castle 30 jumps away...

Cocktales, Part I

Do you think I’m pretty,
standing here in my new dress,
with sky-high heels
and calves of steel.
Do you think I’m
pretty?

Do you think my smile
could light up the night-
milky pearls and evil bite-
do you think that
you are the
reason?

Would you like a drink?
A stiff one won’t make you
think
about how much you’re spending
on my wily
womanly ways.

Just sit back, relax,
I’m here to serve you
(at least for awhile
While the bottles empty and
I purge your wallet
of its inky
filth).