I heart Westminster

Spent Valentine’s at a table covered in conversation hearts, tactfully avoiding all the ones that said “luv”. Eavesdropped on the Siciliani seated next to us while sipping around the espresso beans stuck to the sugared side of my snifter. Roses, a bottle of red, a cute card. And all the while I'm thinking "good boy."

Sit, stay.

Blue & Cross

My throat hurts again. It’s my own fault because I work two jobs, and on the nights I’m not slinging cocktails at the club I’m swigging them. I live in a party town where the sun shines over 300 days a year. So I guess it’s not really my fault—I’m just a victim of my environment.

I am having a blast being a 20-something in this beach city. But waking up with a sore throat is still not fun. So my options are thus: go to the doctor for some pricey antibiotics, or go to Target for some discounted zinc lozenges and a bottle of antiseptic spray. Both sound very unappealing.

Now with two jobs you would think that I could afford health insurance to cover the occasional sore throat or minor scrapes I get into from time to time. And I can. However, I just got off the phone with Health Insurance Operator #687 who has informed me that my out-of-pocket deductible has to be reached before they will start covering anything. This out-of-pocket deductible totals a migrane-inducing $3,500! Why in the WORLD did I choose this plan?!

Is it just me, or is everyone else as blatantly confused by insurance company diction? “Your Preferred Provider Maximum count towards your Non-Preferred Provider Maximum.” Huh?!

I am one of few Americans who has experienced both the PPO/HMO nightmare that is the American Medical Institution, as well as the green-walled first-come-first-serve free clinics of a country under government-provided aid. I can’t say I particularly enjoy either. I hate to tend towards the “It’s-all-a-government-plot” train of thought, but there has got to be a better way to treat sick people, both here and abroad. Somewhere between paying $3,500 for basic annual exams to standing in line for 3 days to see an ill-qualified Lab Coat, there must be a middle ground.

Until I draw up the details, and find the legislators to back my new Wonderful Worldwide Health Plan, I’m off to the drug store. If I remember correctly, the generic painkillers are in Aisle 3.

925 never

Hello, my name is Generation X, but you can call me “Generation I.” I am an Internet-addicted 20-something struggling to find a career path in this awkward post-college renewed adolescence.

I got yelled at only 48 hours into my new job for playing on the Internet. I use the term “playing” because this is how the bosses of corporate America view the Internet--merely a toy we youngsters use to avoid real responsibility in the workplace. Well, I am here to tell you something very important, Head Honchos of the 9-to-5: the Internet is the only thing that keeps us Gen Xers behind your desks (and not behind a bar making 3 times what you pay us on tips in one shift).

Day One At New Job: I come in at 9 a.m. as requested only to find out that Boss Man does not normally show up at the office until 11. I read manuals for the next three and a half hours until finally being shown to my terminal.

Day Two At New Job: I come in at 8:30 a.m. as requested only to find out that Woman Training Me does not normally show up at the office until 11. I check my Hotmail account and just hang out until she arrives. She then takes an hour to check her Hotmail and various other personal accounts before starting to train me. I am scheduled until 5:30 p.m. but Woman Training Me leaves at 3:30. What to do with my last two hours???

Day Two, 4:40 p.m.: Boss Man sneaks up behind me in new office before I can close out Internet. States loudly in front of new coworkers: “Internet use is not allowed here. Otherwise we would have 15 people playing on the Internet and nobody working.”

Point taken. But not in the way he intended…

Note to self: Learn to minimize windows on my computer before Boss Man can see. Or get a trip wire across office doorjamb. I highly doubt he will acquiesce to wearing a bell collar.

Because here's the thing, Boss Man. Generation X stands for Xtremely fast, xtremely efficient, and xtremely prone to attention deficit disorder. Give me stuff to do, plenty of stuff…because the siren call of Internet Explorer is just too strong. On second thought, even with a To Do list a mile long, I will probably still be on the Internet. Because this is how I work. It is called 'multi-tasking' and I am famous for it. And yes, you will have that order before it is due. I am Generation I. That is how I roll.

Bridal March

Kimberly Stewart Engaged
"The Insider" has confirmed that KIMBERLY STEWART is engaged to "Laguna Beach" cast member TALAN TORRIERO. The 26-year-old daughter of rocker ROD STEWART recently split from "Girls Gone Wild" producer JOE FRANCIS. She was previously engaged to musician CISCO ADLER back in autumn of 2004. Talan is 7 years her junior, and the couple is reported to have dated for one week to 2 months, according to various sources.

There are so many things wrong with this "news" article that I do not even know where to begin. So, I will begin at the beginning…

First of all, for those of you not of the MTV generation, "Laguna Beach" is a fantastically addicting show that follows the lives of angst-ridden teens growing up in the ghetto (also known as "palatial estates of Orange County"). Note: the stories and characters on Laguna Beach are real. NOT actors. Repeat: real high school students. HIGH SCHOOL students.

Second, calling Rod Stewart a rocker is just a complete slap in the face of true American idols like Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. The only speakers resonating "Rhythm Of My Heart" are those in the Ford Aerostar driven by your mom. But I digress…

So Kimberly Stewart, famed daughter of love-song crooner Rod Stewart, has been down the road to premarital bliss before. Twice actually, within the past YEAR, and most recently with the brilliant producer of "Girls Gone Wild." Good thing her daddy is a rock star because that is one pedigree MY father sure would not appreciate.

As for Kimberly's first love, Cisco Adler, I had to do a little research. After Googling this guy, all I could come up with was this article posted on Socialitelife.com. Apparently Kimberly just could not keep up with Adler's true rock star binge drinking. Mischa Barton on the other hand…but again, I digress.

The real reason I am writing this article is to beg the question of celebrities and recent high school graduates everywhere: WHY?! Is it the pretty glint of the oversized rock on your fourth finger that is so enticing? Dreams of white tulle and champagne bubbles dancing in your head? Okay, I see that. Little girls dancing on their father's feet, wishing desperately for their turn at the altar.

But guys, what in the WORLD makes you propose so early? You have known this girl for (insert way-too-short time frame here). Do you just wake up one day and somewhere between the shit, shower, and shave you think: Hey, I think I'll pop the question!

We the American people realize that marriage is not unerringly "forever" these days (sad, but true). However, I believe that somewhere between "Hello, my name is…" and "Will you marry me?" there is a complete lack of foresight. Marriage equals joining your entire life with someone else's—for better or worse, in sickness and health, etc. When did this get lost in translation?

Lately, the word annulment has become the hip catchphrase in follow-up stories on celebrity marriages. Just so you know, the grand state of California ONLY allows the termination of marriage by annulment based on one of two reasons:

Grounds for Termination of Marriage
For dissolution of marriage or legal separation in California, there are only two legal grounds. The first is "irreconcilable differences," meaning the marriage cannot be saved. The other reason is "incurable insanity" which, unlike irreconcilable differences, must be proven.

Ah, incurable insanity. If getting engaged after dating for a whole 2 months does not justify that clause…

But what do I know? I am not holding out for a robin's-egg-blue box in my stocking this Christmas. And you never know—if Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears can make it, there may be hope for you yet.

Sex & The City

Hey, you're hot! Wanna hang out?



I cannot log into any of my various Web sites without having at least one eager guy shoot me a "wow, we live in the same city, what a lucky coincidence" e-mail. Seriously now, I am flattered that you enjoy my Photoshop-enhanced cleavage and Crest white-stripped smile, but give it a rest! I am not on MySpace sharing information about my hobbies to get you excited, nor am I posting travel tips on Virtual Tourist to get laid. Did I fall into a time warp and land in Match.com? There is a reason people pay for online dating services--to find other people ALSO willing to pay for online dating services. These people are (how to put this gently?) very "eager" to meet their match. Match.com. Get it?

So here is the deal: I can get you in and out of the Louvre in under an hour, through traffic in Milan, and on a boat to Corfu faster than you can type Orbitz.com. I can tell you who's playing the House of Blues in San Diego on Friday night, and I can probably get you into On Broadway afterward as a VIP, if you ask nicely. But the only way you are scoring a date with me is to meet me, in person (and even then you still have to ask nicely).

Whatever happened to meeting someone while drinking in a bar, the way God and nature intended? I blame it on the Baby Boomers. Mom and Dad met in college, fell in love, and were on the road to marital bliss before the last bars of Pomp and Circumstance stopped playing. They had kids, and instilled in us the belief that "You can do anything you put your mind to" and "There is limitless possibility, unlike when we were growing up." All well and good to have that kind of support system, don't get me wrong, but has it made us, Generation X, too picky? Too "the grass is always greener?" Too "there are bigger fish in the sea?"

In this age of cyber-enlightenment, I think that many Gen Xers have come to the ultimate conclusion that there is just too little time to run into your one true love. Solution? Cast your hook into the Cyber Sea and see who bites.

I too am chained to a computer chair 40+ hours a week. I feel your pain. But I still won't reply to your online advances. However, if you recognize me at a holiday party in the coming weeks, feel free to introduce yourself. I'll be the one standing under the mistletoe.