Bridal March

Kimberly Stewart Engaged
"The Insider" has confirmed that KIMBERLY STEWART is engaged to "Laguna Beach" cast member TALAN TORRIERO. The 26-year-old daughter of rocker ROD STEWART recently split from "Girls Gone Wild" producer JOE FRANCIS. She was previously engaged to musician CISCO ADLER back in autumn of 2004. Talan is 7 years her junior, and the couple is reported to have dated for one week to 2 months, according to various sources.

There are so many things wrong with this "news" article that I do not even know where to begin. So, I will begin at the beginning…

First of all, for those of you not of the MTV generation, "Laguna Beach" is a fantastically addicting show that follows the lives of angst-ridden teens growing up in the ghetto (also known as "palatial estates of Orange County"). Note: the stories and characters on Laguna Beach are real. NOT actors. Repeat: real high school students. HIGH SCHOOL students.

Second, calling Rod Stewart a rocker is just a complete slap in the face of true American idols like Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. The only speakers resonating "Rhythm Of My Heart" are those in the Ford Aerostar driven by your mom. But I digress…

So Kimberly Stewart, famed daughter of love-song crooner Rod Stewart, has been down the road to premarital bliss before. Twice actually, within the past YEAR, and most recently with the brilliant producer of "Girls Gone Wild." Good thing her daddy is a rock star because that is one pedigree MY father sure would not appreciate.

As for Kimberly's first love, Cisco Adler, I had to do a little research. After Googling this guy, all I could come up with was this article posted on Socialitelife.com. Apparently Kimberly just could not keep up with Adler's true rock star binge drinking. Mischa Barton on the other hand…but again, I digress.

The real reason I am writing this article is to beg the question of celebrities and recent high school graduates everywhere: WHY?! Is it the pretty glint of the oversized rock on your fourth finger that is so enticing? Dreams of white tulle and champagne bubbles dancing in your head? Okay, I see that. Little girls dancing on their father's feet, wishing desperately for their turn at the altar.

But guys, what in the WORLD makes you propose so early? You have known this girl for (insert way-too-short time frame here). Do you just wake up one day and somewhere between the shit, shower, and shave you think: Hey, I think I'll pop the question!

We the American people realize that marriage is not unerringly "forever" these days (sad, but true). However, I believe that somewhere between "Hello, my name is…" and "Will you marry me?" there is a complete lack of foresight. Marriage equals joining your entire life with someone else's—for better or worse, in sickness and health, etc. When did this get lost in translation?

Lately, the word annulment has become the hip catchphrase in follow-up stories on celebrity marriages. Just so you know, the grand state of California ONLY allows the termination of marriage by annulment based on one of two reasons:

Grounds for Termination of Marriage
For dissolution of marriage or legal separation in California, there are only two legal grounds. The first is "irreconcilable differences," meaning the marriage cannot be saved. The other reason is "incurable insanity" which, unlike irreconcilable differences, must be proven.

Ah, incurable insanity. If getting engaged after dating for a whole 2 months does not justify that clause…

But what do I know? I am not holding out for a robin's-egg-blue box in my stocking this Christmas. And you never know—if Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears can make it, there may be hope for you yet.

Sex & The City

Hey, you're hot! Wanna hang out?



I cannot log into any of my various Web sites without having at least one eager guy shoot me a "wow, we live in the same city, what a lucky coincidence" e-mail. Seriously now, I am flattered that you enjoy my Photoshop-enhanced cleavage and Crest white-stripped smile, but give it a rest! I am not on MySpace sharing information about my hobbies to get you excited, nor am I posting travel tips on Virtual Tourist to get laid. Did I fall into a time warp and land in Match.com? There is a reason people pay for online dating services--to find other people ALSO willing to pay for online dating services. These people are (how to put this gently?) very "eager" to meet their match. Match.com. Get it?

So here is the deal: I can get you in and out of the Louvre in under an hour, through traffic in Milan, and on a boat to Corfu faster than you can type Orbitz.com. I can tell you who's playing the House of Blues in San Diego on Friday night, and I can probably get you into On Broadway afterward as a VIP, if you ask nicely. But the only way you are scoring a date with me is to meet me, in person (and even then you still have to ask nicely).

Whatever happened to meeting someone while drinking in a bar, the way God and nature intended? I blame it on the Baby Boomers. Mom and Dad met in college, fell in love, and were on the road to marital bliss before the last bars of Pomp and Circumstance stopped playing. They had kids, and instilled in us the belief that "You can do anything you put your mind to" and "There is limitless possibility, unlike when we were growing up." All well and good to have that kind of support system, don't get me wrong, but has it made us, Generation X, too picky? Too "the grass is always greener?" Too "there are bigger fish in the sea?"

In this age of cyber-enlightenment, I think that many Gen Xers have come to the ultimate conclusion that there is just too little time to run into your one true love. Solution? Cast your hook into the Cyber Sea and see who bites.

I too am chained to a computer chair 40+ hours a week. I feel your pain. But I still won't reply to your online advances. However, if you recognize me at a holiday party in the coming weeks, feel free to introduce yourself. I'll be the one standing under the mistletoe.