I am currently in the process of cleaning out the 3,843 e-mails in my work inbox right now. No, that is not a typo. Three THOUSAND eight HUNDRED forty three e-mails. And I’ve only worked here since December! However did the employees of the great 925 communicate before the invention of the Internet?!
Well, I guess they picked up the phone. (You should hear my voicemail, the tone of which almost screams “I do not have time to return your call in the next Century so do not even bother leaving a message here!”). Or maybe they just wrote memos and sent them via courier?
It is 11:11 a.m. Gotta make a wish. I am wishing that it wasn’t taking 45 minutes to clean out my inbox. I am looking at my pretty toes while I wait for this e-mail mess to clear, thinking how my new pink polish makes my toes look tan.
Down to 3,092 e-mails…
So, in keeping with the style of our day, here is a work e-mail to You (because all of our carrier pigeons are currently tied up with other deliveries).
To: My Dear Reader
CC: All the friends you forward this to (because good writing should always be shared)
BCC: Mom (I don’t want you to be self conscious knowing she’s reading this over your shoulder)
Subject: My Dream Job
I wish I was the person employed solely to name nail polish. I am currently wearing Dutch Tulips, which is rather a boring name considering OPI turns out such shades as “Cozu-melted in the Sun” and “Rock-apulco Red,” just to name a couple from their new Mexico collection.
Down to 2,415 e-mails…
How does one get the job of Official Nail Polish Namer? Does OPI post a link on their Web site, “Now Open: Official Nail Polish Namer position!”
No! Back up to 2,420 e-mails…
Okay, just did some actual work, then checked out OPI's official Web site. Discouraging…no such position named. There must be an unpaid intern locked in a closet somewhere in middle America, eyes glazed over from staring at color swatches on every available digit…
Management: The theme this Spring is Former Communist Countries. Go!
Unpaid Intern: Um, err, uh, well, let's see, um, “Czech It Out Cherry?!”
Management: Brilliant! Now write that on 1,000 slips of paper and get the pigeons ready!
Only 1,625 e-mails to go…
All this Spring cleaning is making me hungry. Time to break for lunch. “Lunch Break Grape!”
Official Nail Polish Namer, over and out.
