Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Stand Up Comedy

Dear Miss Manners,

I just don't get it. I offer to take this girl out to a nice dinner last Saturday, and she sounds pretty excited. So come Saturday, I sit on my couch for 5 hours waiting for her to call me. Finally, I give up and go out drinking with my buddies. At 1:30 a.m. I figure, "What the hell, I'll call HER!" She doesn't like that very much, so to get her to stop yelling I tell her I'll make it up to her over dinner on Sunday. Well, as you may imagine, I am pretty hungover on Sunday, so I don't exactly get around to calling her. But boy by Tuesday, I'm ready to hit the town, so I shoot her a casual text message asking if she wants to come. She still hasn't called. What gives?

Sincerely,

Told Her I'd Try Harder

Dear Harder,

I would say that "trying harder" would involve more than a text message a full two days after the time when you were supposed to pick up said date. Stand her up once, and she'll forgive you. Stand her up twice, and you're just an asshole.

Try A LOT harder,

Miss Manners


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Lady In Waiting

Just be the bigger person. Just pick up the phone. Just do it for you, if not for…

My cell phone is made of Kryptonite. Every 30 seconds when I long to flip it open to make sure it is still in its fully functional capacity (because it MUST be broken if it’s not ringing yet, right?) I just pretend it will melt my hand if I touch it.

Kryptonite.

And yes, I might be checking my e-mail at least 3 times every hour, but I refuse to click the ‘compose’ tab because that just equals me reaching out. Being the Bigger Person. Searching cyberspace for an answer that should be coming from you.

I define the Bigger Person as ‘She who is blue in the face with indignation.’ Stubborn as a horse lead to the water, you cannot make me drink.

I will be the smaller person. The person living in a cocoon of silence, quietly plotting all the lines I will throw at you when you finally come around. I am strong. I am stealthy. I am lying in wait.

RING dammit!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Head-hunter Extraordinaire

One of my higher-ups gave me the brilliant task of hiring a part-time sales associate for our company. Maybe it's the college degree, or maybe it's the endless hours spent on Monster and Career Builder.com, but am I the ONLY person out there who has been drilled time and again how important a cover letter is when applying for a new job?!

In order to help all you folks who may be in an I-need-a-new-job-now transitional period, I have compiled a nice assortment of things a jobseeker SHOULD NEVER UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH write on their cover letter or resume.

Please note, these are all real selections from the cover letters and resumes that have come across my desk in the past few weeks. If, dear reader, you recognize one of these snippets as your own, please assume you will not be getting a callback for an interview.

OUR AD:

Advertising Sales

Company Confidential is looking for a self-motivated person with advertising sales experience. Must live in Certain Town, California. Part-time, flexible hours. Only candidates meeting the above minimum qualifications and who have the determination and drive to exceed expectations need apply. E-mail resumes to: YouBetterBeSerious@sales.net

HERE IS A SAMPLE COVER LETTER COMPILED FROM THE WORST OF THE WORST:

Re: Advertising Vertising

Dear sir/Madaam,

Hello, I am looking for a position in a gr8 design firm, I have gr8 work habits. I am 54 year old and I would live to meet eighth you regarding this job. I speak English. I am also well organized and have excellent oral skills. have nine year sales experience!!! I enjoy talking to people and do so with enthusiasm and spontaneity. I DO NOT INTIMIDATE OTHERS AND, IN RETURN, I DO NOT APPRECIATE VERBAL INTIMIDATION.

I am only interested in a full-time position. Think its perfect fit. So you can interview me, please email dramaqueen@aol.net.

Sincerly,

The person who didn't get an interview

As with the above sample Cover-Letter-From-Hell, your application should never include:
 Not listing the companies or dates of previous employment on your resume.
 Attaching a letter of recommendation from a former boss, complete with tracked changes where you edited it.
 Using this as your objective when applying to an outside sales job: Seeking a challenging opportunity as an Administrative Assistant.

Don't say you haven't been warned.