Head-hunter Extraordinaire

One of my higher-ups gave me the brilliant task of hiring a part-time sales associate for our company. Maybe it's the college degree, or maybe it's the endless hours spent on Monster and Career Builder.com, but am I the ONLY person out there who has been drilled time and again how important a cover letter is when applying for a new job?!

In order to help all you folks who may be in an I-need-a-new-job-now transitional period, I have compiled a nice assortment of things a jobseeker SHOULD NEVER UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH write on their cover letter or resume.

Please note, these are all real selections from the cover letters and resumes that have come across my desk in the past few weeks. If, dear reader, you recognize one of these snippets as your own, please assume you will not be getting a callback for an interview.

OUR AD:

Advertising Sales

Company Confidential is looking for a self-motivated person with advertising sales experience. Must live in Certain Town, California. Part-time, flexible hours. Only candidates meeting the above minimum qualifications and who have the determination and drive to exceed expectations need apply. E-mail resumes to: YouBetterBeSerious@sales.net

HERE IS A SAMPLE COVER LETTER COMPILED FROM THE WORST OF THE WORST:

Re: Advertising Vertising

Dear sir/Madaam,

Hello, I am looking for a position in a gr8 design firm, I have gr8 work habits. I am 54 year old and I would live to meet eighth you regarding this job. I speak English. I am also well organized and have excellent oral skills. have nine year sales experience!!! I enjoy talking to people and do so with enthusiasm and spontaneity. I DO NOT INTIMIDATE OTHERS AND, IN RETURN, I DO NOT APPRECIATE VERBAL INTIMIDATION.

I am only interested in a full-time position. Think its perfect fit. So you can interview me, please email dramaqueen@aol.net.

Sincerly,

The person who didn't get an interview

As with the above sample Cover-Letter-From-Hell, your application should never include:
 Not listing the companies or dates of previous employment on your resume.
 Attaching a letter of recommendation from a former boss, complete with tracked changes where you edited it.
 Using this as your objective when applying to an outside sales job: Seeking a challenging opportunity as an Administrative Assistant.

Don't say you haven't been warned.