Bridal March

Kimberly Stewart Engaged
"The Insider" has confirmed that KIMBERLY STEWART is engaged to "Laguna Beach" cast member TALAN TORRIERO. The 26-year-old daughter of rocker ROD STEWART recently split from "Girls Gone Wild" producer JOE FRANCIS. She was previously engaged to musician CISCO ADLER back in autumn of 2004. Talan is 7 years her junior, and the couple is reported to have dated for one week to 2 months, according to various sources.

There are so many things wrong with this "news" article that I do not even know where to begin. So, I will begin at the beginning…

First of all, for those of you not of the MTV generation, "Laguna Beach" is a fantastically addicting show that follows the lives of angst-ridden teens growing up in the ghetto (also known as "palatial estates of Orange County"). Note: the stories and characters on Laguna Beach are real. NOT actors. Repeat: real high school students. HIGH SCHOOL students.

Second, calling Rod Stewart a rocker is just a complete slap in the face of true American idols like Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. The only speakers resonating "Rhythm Of My Heart" are those in the Ford Aerostar driven by your mom. But I digress…

So Kimberly Stewart, famed daughter of love-song crooner Rod Stewart, has been down the road to premarital bliss before. Twice actually, within the past YEAR, and most recently with the brilliant producer of "Girls Gone Wild." Good thing her daddy is a rock star because that is one pedigree MY father sure would not appreciate.

As for Kimberly's first love, Cisco Adler, I had to do a little research. After Googling this guy, all I could come up with was this article posted on Socialitelife.com. Apparently Kimberly just could not keep up with Adler's true rock star binge drinking. Mischa Barton on the other hand…but again, I digress.

The real reason I am writing this article is to beg the question of celebrities and recent high school graduates everywhere: WHY?! Is it the pretty glint of the oversized rock on your fourth finger that is so enticing? Dreams of white tulle and champagne bubbles dancing in your head? Okay, I see that. Little girls dancing on their father's feet, wishing desperately for their turn at the altar.

But guys, what in the WORLD makes you propose so early? You have known this girl for (insert way-too-short time frame here). Do you just wake up one day and somewhere between the shit, shower, and shave you think: Hey, I think I'll pop the question!

We the American people realize that marriage is not unerringly "forever" these days (sad, but true). However, I believe that somewhere between "Hello, my name is…" and "Will you marry me?" there is a complete lack of foresight. Marriage equals joining your entire life with someone else's—for better or worse, in sickness and health, etc. When did this get lost in translation?

Lately, the word annulment has become the hip catchphrase in follow-up stories on celebrity marriages. Just so you know, the grand state of California ONLY allows the termination of marriage by annulment based on one of two reasons:

Grounds for Termination of Marriage
For dissolution of marriage or legal separation in California, there are only two legal grounds. The first is "irreconcilable differences," meaning the marriage cannot be saved. The other reason is "incurable insanity" which, unlike irreconcilable differences, must be proven.

Ah, incurable insanity. If getting engaged after dating for a whole 2 months does not justify that clause…

But what do I know? I am not holding out for a robin's-egg-blue box in my stocking this Christmas. And you never know—if Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears can make it, there may be hope for you yet.