I am a 2010 Olympic Hopeful in these events:

1) Curling. Also known by anyone outside of Canada as “that thing with the squeegees.” No, I haven’t actually curled before (is that the correct verb for “to play Curling”? I need to find a Canadian to ask). However, I have bowled in socks. Which is exactly the same as pushing a heavy object down a slick surface while trying not to split your pants.

2) Alpine Skiing. I was a proud member of S.A.R.S. (Schweitzer Alpine Racing School, not the deadly airborne disease) back in the day. Although I seem to remember less trophy winning and more hiding from my coaches in snow forts surrounded by penny candy wrappers.

3) Beer Pong. Okay, I realize this is not an Olympic-recognized sport (yet). But I am from Washington, and we Washingtonians excel at two things: Lasting through unending winters, and drinking.

So all of you national sponsors out there, send those bids on in. I would like to sport Reebok Pumps (hot in 1989, hotter in 2010), a neon Spyder one-piece, and a Budweiser logo on my helmet (good enough for SeaWorld, good enough for me).

U…
S...
A!